dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
