Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
