why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
