you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
