I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
