i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Randomize
