I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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