I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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