the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
