Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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