i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
