Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Did we literally take a cab across the street
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
