i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
