you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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