Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
