I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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