So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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