The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
