it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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