What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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