Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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