My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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