He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
