My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
