There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
