there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
