im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
