Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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