I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
