Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
