Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
