I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
