I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
