just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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