my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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