Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
