She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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