I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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