I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
