Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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