i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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