Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
