Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
