I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
