Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
