seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
