I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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