it was like his penis was on wheels.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
