HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
