i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
