The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
