she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
