That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
