Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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