Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
