Apparently you make a good broom.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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