You're my little dorito
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
